just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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