Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
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