Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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