my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So much rum. So many feels.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Randomize
