I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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