Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
