You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
