somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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