if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
