Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
