Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
