Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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