A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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