You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
