you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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