My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
