how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
