i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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