So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
