I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Randomize
