Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
