Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
