Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
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I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
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Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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