hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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