when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
