I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
