He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
