my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
