shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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