it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
