I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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