On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
