yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
