You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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