I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
