girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
