Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
