I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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