So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
