I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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