his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
