You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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