She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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