There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
