You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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