I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
i out mim tonsoeep
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