Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
