I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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