Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
