Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
