my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
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While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
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This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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