Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
