I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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