I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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